If Quentin Tarantino wrote horoscopes

ARIES: You'll discuss travel and different nationalities burger menus today. Expect a twist at the end.

TAURUS: Advice for single Taurus, Pot bellies make a man look either oafish, or like a gorilla. But on a woman, a pot belly is very sexy.

GEMINI: Finding your wallet today will be easy, it's the one that will say bad mothfucker.

CANCER: What now Cancer? Let me tell you what now. You're gonna call a coupla hard, pipe-hittin' niggers, who'll go to work on the homes here with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. You hear me talkin', hillbilly boy? I ain't through with you by a damn sight. Time to get medieval on your ass Cancer.

LEO:Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... stop right there Leo. Eatin' a bitch out, and givin' a bitch a foot massage ain't even the same fuckin' thing.

VIRGO: While it may in fact be a pretty fucking good milkshake, Virgo's don't know if it's worth five dollars. But it's pretty fucking good.

LIBRA: Expect divine intervention today while laundering your bosses soul.

SCORPIO: Scorpio's should remember that Marcellus Wallace don't like to be fucked by anybody except Mrs. Wallace.

SAGITTARIUS: You will misplace a watch today with all sorts of ramifications.

CAPRICORN: You feel that sting, Capricorn, huh? That's pride FUCKIN' with you! You gotta fight through that shit!

AQUARIUS: Bitch be cool.

PISCES:The path of the righteous Pisces is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is the Pisces, in the name of charity and good will, who shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know My name is the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon thee. It's also a great time to meet new people and travel.

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