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Friday, December 31, 2010

The War on News Awards 2010

The war on news salutes 2010's finest moments of farce, hypocrisy and outright idiocy that seems to pass as public debate in this country. As the most vulnerable we're left to rot on the scrapheap of recession, our news media focused lazily on the trivial chump change of Ministers over spending money on petty crap to the life and death of psychic octopuses.

Let's honor that which deserves collective contempt and collective praise. But mostly collective contempt.

The Cameron Slator annaugral what-did-you-think-they-were-going-to-do-when-you-openly-pissed-into-the-face-of-800-years-of-legal-tradition-by-breaching-suppression-orders-you-dumb-clown-cha-ching-that'll-be-ten-grand Award for stupidity beyond the call of ideology this year goes to Anne Tolley for poisoning education with National Standards that have nothing to do with actual educational achievement and has everything to do with introducing competition into education via league tables by stealth.

Academic's called National Standards possibly one of the worst things ever to happen to education in NZ, while Anne Tolley nonchalantly went about gutting adult education while handing private education an extra $35 million. Brothers and Sisters, Anne Tolley is to education what Tony Veitch is to blind dates, Stalin himself would bow at Anne Tolley's attempt at mutilating one of the best public education systems in the world merely for dogma. Ha Ha.

The-NZ-Pork-boards-Pigcare-brand-of-false-propaganda-smokescreen-Award-for-2010 goes to Lockwood Smith's inquiry into Pansy Wong and her door to door hovercraft salesman husband's use of public funding for private deeds done dirt cheap. Seems the inquiry has more leaks than a Julian Assange condom. The inquiry concluded that the Wongs only went to one business opening when the Beijing Today newspaper carried an article saying otherwise including the signing of a 'co-operation' agreement between a company Sammy Wong owns and the local Government. The inquiry says the Wongs only mixed business with public funds once, we count 3, which suggests the inquiry is as credible as a meth addict holding onto your rent money for safe keeping.

The 'You-are-guilty-of-child-abuse-until-you-are-proven-middle-class'-Starship- Children's-Hospital-One-Eyed-Statue-of-Justice Award this year goes to everyones favorite Ministerial sadist, Simon Power. His conveyor belt of cheap justice minus the mercy stripping away Jurys, implementing dehumanizing trial by TV screens and robbing legal aid of any independence based on mere gossip by Dame Bazely are but some of the highlights of Simons ruthless drive for efficiency.

When in opposition, Simon pretended that Prisons were adult Disneylands with flat screen TVs, underfloor heating and landscaping that rivaled the great gardens of Europe, now he's big dog he can't move fast enough to erode legal protections all in the name of judicial haste. If speed was the main concern here, why not just build more Courts? If you either poor, young or brown and get stuck on Simon Power's conveyor belt of cheap justice minus the mercy, you're fucked.

The Tiger-Woods-eeeeeeeeew-she's-a bit-ugly-you're-the-richest-athlete-in-the- world-you-should-be-able-to-pull-a-lot-better-than-that Award for sex details none of us were interested in goes this year to Michael Laws and his tedious sex confession about having consensual sex between adults.

How the mascarraed rednecked one wants to spend his personal time isn't our business, I just think we are all collectively surprised that Michael Laws has time for sexual relations. I imagine him after a long day of stoking talkback bigotry going straight home to shimmy out of his human skin to start swallowing small rodents.

The Telecom XT miscommunication of the year award 2010 goes to Chris Carter and Phil Goff. Phil told Chris to man it up bitch, Chris thought Phil said bitch it up man. Somehow Chris construed, 'will you please stop being such a dick and shut up' as 'please launch the worst coup in political history with hand written notes to the media'. Only North Korea has a looser grasp of comprehension skills.

The-David-Fane-abusive-comedic-timing-award 2010 goes to John Key and his cannibalism joke aimed at Tuhoe the day after he dumped their land claim because white focus groups on the North Shore told him to.

When our Optimist Prime wasn't lying about raising GST, over seeing the largest Union protests in a decade while reawakening a 50 000 strong environmental movement and dismantling our democratic oversight by ramming more legislation through under a misuse of urgency than any other Government since Roger Douglas wrote his love sonnets to Milton Friedman, he was appearing on David Letterman and laughing it up with Paul Henry. John Key's optimism was wide ranging and far reaching, it extended to Afghanistan, the economy and his vasectomy. John Key was so optimistic, he recently informed church leaders that if he cut off welfare to all 338 000 beneficiaries that bugger all would starve to death. Of course if I had $40 million and a Hawiiaan Mansion, I'd be pretty bloody optimistic as well, runner up for the David Fane abusive comedic timing award 2010 was Maurice Williamson with his hilarious observations on Muslims and anyone who looked like an over stayer.

You can take the National Party front bencher out of Parliament, but you can't take the redneck out of the National Party front bencher.

The memorial-Shane-Jones-adults-only-movie-collection-Best-Minister Award for 2010 has to go to Tony Ryall whose wardrobe is so far in the closet, it's in Narnia. Like magician David Copperfield making the statue of liberty vanish, Tony has made Health disappear and where ever he has hidden it, he seems to have made Ruth Dyson disappear as well. Ruth Dyson has been about as effective as an opposition spokesperson on Health as Paul Henry has been at race relations.

Best supporting actor in a corporate negotiating tactic has to go to Sir Peter Jackson for the manufactured crises at the Hobbit. New emails released under the Official Information Act show Peter Jackson telling the Government that the actors boycott will not send The Hobbit overseas which of course was not what he was telling the public. The1950s esk anti-union hysteria by the mainstream media mixed with John Key's desire to use divisive politics to get one over the Union movement combined to see legislation rammed through Parliament that changed our labour laws to make Warner Bros happy. You just know on their jet flight back laughing at how easy they took $30 million from us that the Warner Bros Executives refer to NZers as 'shire folk'.

The female-comedian-cloak-of-invisibility-on-7-Days-award-this-year-for- creative-editing goes to Sensible Sentencing Lynch mobs political representation within ACT- David Garrett. This is a man who stood against suppression powers, he stood against clean slates and he stood against second chances for prisoners, yet while he was ramming raw meat law and order bullshit through parliament with 3 strikes and you get locked up forever legislation that only benefits private prisons, he was secretly using suppression orders to clean his slate and get a third chance. Only Michelle A'court on 7 days has received that kind of editing.

The US-Army-drone-strike-extreme-violence-against-the-vulnerable Award this year goes to Paula Bennett and her bennie bashing welfare cuts. After illegally releasing personal details about solo mums who dared to challenge Paula cutting benefits she herself had benefitted from, she appointed an ideologically stacked welfare razor gang who went about using voodoo math to justify forcing solo mothers, the ill, the mentally unwell and the handicapped back to work so John Key could have enough cash to keep giving the rich tax cuts.

The blind-leading-the-blind-Award-for-economic-stewardship-2010 goes to the National Party and their utter ineptitude with the Economy. As NZers woke to the realization that the green shoots of recovery were really the dried snot of recession the Government attempted to solve a global economic crises caused by neoliberal, low tax, deregulation, free market dogma by implementing neoliberal, low tax, deregulation, free market dogma. Handing out $1.7 billion to Mr Magoo at South Canterbury Finance when South Canterbury Finance shouldn't have been included in the protections was another bumble in a long list of bumbles like the GST tax rise which was supposed to turbo charge the economy when in fact it ended up seeing a massive drop in revenue by companies. All this Government has to offer NZers is an economic Darwinism that sees the weak eaten or traded in for their body organs, if you are one of NZs 650 millionaires who have received $1000 in tax cuts since October, you'd be pretty chuffed though.

The leaking-like-a-BP-oil-well-Award-for-media-bravery goes to the slightly creepy Julian Assange for his wikileaks extravaganza that is holding the powerful to account in a way we've never witnessed before. While at home the Government were ramming through secret powers for the SIS and vast new erosions of our civil liberties under the new search and surveillance powers that legalize the Police spying without warrants, we can still hope that the freedom to question authority is enshrined by online political activism that refuses to allow the grip of totalitarian rule to smoother or silence our voices. As NZ starts to resemble a quaint Police state with a mainstream media asleep at the wheel, let's celebrate those who would stand up for us while the majority cower in the corner too frightened to think for themselves.

Finally brothers and sisters, to our most coverted award, The Garth-George- blaming-abortion-for-our-need-to-increase-the-retirement-age-and-claiming- global-warming-won't-flood-the-earth-because-God-promised-Noah-he-wouldn't- Fox-News-media-award-for-absolute-bullshit 2010 and the nominees are

Paul Holmes for anti-union bashing over the manufactured crises at the hobbit that had nothing to do with the actors union boycott at all.

Paul Henry for insinuating that only white people could be real NZers on the state broadcaster during an interview with John Key

And John Armstrong for bizarrely blaming the left for minimizing John Key to a smile and wave charactature when in fact it was the Deputy Prime Minister Bill English and the leader of the political party National govern with, Rodney Hide, who actually first described Key as a puppet figure head.

And the winner of the The Garth-George- blaming-abortion-for-our-need-to-increase-the-retirement-age-and-claiming- global-warming-won't-flood-the-earth-because-God-promised-Noah-he-wouldn't- Fox-News-media-award-for-absolute-bullshit 2010 goes to the one and only Paul Henry. He's overseas now pitching for a realty TV show called 'My time as an ompa loompa of hate', the former National Party candidate shone this year as TVNZ let him off the leash to rev up ratings from rednecks, indeed the term 'Paul Henry Supporter' has become synonymous with intolerance, ignorance and book burning. Paul Henry's extraordinary brainfart that the Govenor General wasn't a real NZer came while the Prime Minister lamely smiled and joked along in a spineless manner. The GG of course was born in Auckland and has lived his entire life here, unlike Paul Henry who left the country as a child, so by Paul Henry's own definition, the GG is actually more of a NZer than Paul Henry is. TVNZ's initial claim that Paul secretly thinks what we all think suggested that TVNZ thinks the entire country is a pack of closet racists, for those still sad at Paul leaving, don't think of it as losing Paul Henry to Hollywood, think of it as amputating a tumor.

This is the final War on News for 2010, the next show is on the 11th Jan, have a great Summer

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At 31/12/10 10:39 am, Blogger Graeme Edgeler said...

David Garrett didn't oppose second chances, he opposed fourth chances.

At 31/12/10 10:47 am, Blogger Bomber said...

How tedious of you Graeme, I did miss one award, that of best services to anti-union hatred going to Public Address, well done, your blog was the leading light of the uninformed lynch mob on that one Graeme.

At 31/12/10 10:49 am, Blogger Bomber said...

PS - An apologist for David Garrett? Really? What are your new years resolutions? Paul Henry publicist?

At 31/12/10 10:51 am, Blogger Bomber said...

PPS - God I can't stand the public address aesthetic left

At 31/12/10 11:31 am, Blogger keirwi said...

Ha ha ha - Keep it coming Bomber. Happy New Year and all the best for 2011. It's going to be a political ripper!

At 31/12/10 3:09 pm, Blogger Graeme Edgeler said...

I'm trying to work out which thing I've written this year makes you conclude that I led anti-union hatred.

The closest I get is something I wrote in 2009 about students' associations. I haven't written anything on industrial relations.

I'm interested in how you pick me as "aesthetic left" - even your blogroll doesn't claim that!

p.s. Happy New Year!


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