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Sunday, November 26, 2006


Don’t feed the humans

It was reported that the chimpanzees at Auckland Zoo exhibit infantacidal tendencies around Guy Fawkes Day due to the noise of the fireworks. My first thought was that they shouldn’t be letting chimps play with fireworks in the first place – amusing perhaps, but probably irresponsible. Oh, we’re the ones doing it-not-them-that-makes more sense now. Whilst this is tragic, I suppose it would happen with lightening storms as well. And then the thought came to mind, the absurdity of it all, why not put the humans in the zoo for a day? Give the animals a break, a little bit of sleepy nigh’ nigh’s pills crushed into their food in the morning and open up the zoo to the public to gawk at themselves?

Change the signs around – get the human specimens to volunteer their own incarceration for charity or a zoo extension or whatever. It could be a welcome piece of publicity and money-maker for a zoo – something bound to be tagged onto the end of news shows around the world.

Some suggested combinations came immediately to mind:

Polar bear enclosure – Winter Olympic team (Brent Todd, Marc Ellis, Lane Cockroft etc. frolicking in white powder might be too obscure)
Giraffe Pen – Basketballers
Petting Zoo – Sarah Ulmer (everyone wants to pet her), High-5, Wiggles
Small Bird Cage – Hayley Westenra (might have to make it a golden one)
Large Bird Cage – Cricket team (plenty of nets)
Peacock garden – Winston Peters (by himself)
Ape Enclosure – Rugby Team
Chimp enclosure/Lion Pen – Politicians
Reptile House - Lawyers
Sealion tank – Swimming team
Giant Tortoise garden – Malvina Major and Howard Morrison, also Colin Meads and Edmund Hillary
Vultures Cage – Employment lawyers
Camel enclosure – The entire Tizard family (Cath, Bob and Judith), more swearing, possibly less spitting.
Kiwi house – Anonymous person labeled “taxpayer” (who better to live in the dark, rarely seen but always evoked).
Llama or Ostrich pen – Netball team
Snake house – seeing as we don’t have any in NZ, how about John Howard?

DON’T FORGET Tim’s Book and magazine collection for the Prison Library, please send your books and magazines to:
Tim Selwyn
Librarian/Unit 7
Hawkes Bay Prison
Private Bag 1600
Napier, NZ

Tim Selwyn (Editor of Tumeke!)
PRN 60477981
Hawkes Bay Prison
Currently appealing sedition conviction


At 30/11/06 6:54 pm, Anonymous Jody said...

Thanks Tim for this post about Zoos. It made me laugh but I also appreciate how concisely you sum up how horrific they are.

I haven't been to one since I was forced to as a primary school kid back in the 70s and even then, I knew it was wrong.

You and Bomber keep up the great work!

PS - love catching Bomber on NatRad's Panel!


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