Worst columnist of the year 2005

Just edging out Jim Hopkins is Joe Bennett.

Joe thinks he's funny - as do many South Islanders and the elderly. The judge found his latest effort typical:

By JOE BENNETT
The year 2005 was a vintage one for bad language," said the MC, "a truly vintage year." Those responsible for the vintage were ranged before him in the hall, dressed like peacocks and as happy as larks.

"I honestly don't believe," continued the MC, "that there has ever been a better year for bad language. And every one of you here has done his or her bit. Well done."

The assembly basked. Consultants grinned at academics, educational theorists shook hands with sports reporters, radio announcers hugged managing directors.

Then they all sat back to enjoy the Annual Bad Language Awards, and to see especially who had won the big one, the coveted Craplang Cup.

Of the minor awards, there is space to mention only two. The trophy for Inane and Gratuitous Hyperbole was won as usual by a radio disc jockey, but in unusual circumstances.

The winner was originally placed fourth for his praise of a breakfast show quiz contestant who had correctly identified Tony Blair as the Prime Minister of Great Britain by selecting his name from a list. The other name on the list was Nicole Kidman.

"Nothing exceptional there," commented the MC, "but when the disc jockey was told that he had won fourth place, he immediately described the result as 'utterly rad and toadly awesome', whereupon he was promoted to first place."

The Verbal Hypocrisy Cup was won by a minister of state. When informed that he'd won, the minister described the cup as a mere bauble, and said that under no circumstances would he attend the awards ceremony. Nevertheless, he bounced on to the stage saying how proud he was to be the MP for Nowhere.

He received tumultuous applause in recognition of his years of toiling in the vineyard of verbal dishonesty.

But it was on the Craplang Cup that interest centred. The MC stressed that the judges had faced a tough task. "They had to weigh the derivative machismo of rugby commentators against the obfuscations of the civil service. They had to judge the anaemic puns of television news against the evasions of politics and the jargon of commerce. The quality of entries was uniformly low and the final decision supremely difficult...

Oh God make it stop!

Apologies for such a long quote to prove what a waste of time reading this crap is. But the point is that this is supposedly "humour". I have even seen him described as a "humourist" for fuck sakes. Was there a time when things actually had to be humorous to be classified as humour? Doesn't someone have to be humorous to be a humourist? Joe Bennett strikes me as a tiresome Pom with little ability and this year he has bored himself into the Worst Columnist award. His fellow Cantabrian (fuck)wit runner-up with his entire personality confined to the colour of the rims of his eye glasses has finally been outdone.

Why is it I can't find Chris Trotter's column on Stuff but this shit is freely available?