Unbreaking News: National to import Chinese organized crime

It says something about the difficult economic times we live in when National have to secretly push changes through in immigration to allow Chinese organized crime to enter the country more easily.

"Our domestic organized crime market simply can't keep up with demand", Immigration Minister Nathan Guy is reported as saying.

"The Headhunters, Hells Angels, Black Power, even the Mongrel Mob, have done what most Kiwis have done by moving to Sydney, leaving organized crime in NZ to effectively run itself. This Government is focused on balancing the budget and importing Chinese organized crime will help with that."

"What we can't do", Immigration Minister Nathan Guy warned, "Is get xenophobic about this. We are an open market and organized crime from China is as welcome to do business here as any other rich migrant with shit loads of laundered cash."

Leader of ACT, John Banks was quick to put out a press release welcoming more organized crime from China.

"What we don't want", Banks said, "Is anymore more rich Germans."

Police Association spokesperson Greg O'Connor said, "The NZ Police want guns. Really big fully automatic ones like the Americans have. I dream about guns all the time. Do you have a gun on you right now I could look at?"

Leader of the Opposition, Winston Peters, has been quick to point out that Chinese organized criminals might also be Asians while Labour Party intern David Shearer condemned any suggestion that there was a leadership coup against him.

"The blogs are nonsense. The columnists are nonsense. Brain Edwards is nonsense. Chris Trotter is nonsense. Bryce Edwards is nonsense. Duncan Garner is nonsense. The Standard is nonsense, John Armstrong is nonsense. Tapu Misa is nonsense. I'm the king of the castle and you're the dirty rascal. I know you are, you said you are, but what am I"?

Shearer left the press conference shortly after that statement with Andrew Little, Grant Robertson and David Cunliffe all making mock stabbing gestures at Shearer's back.

Prime Minister John Key however was relaxed about investment by Chinese organized crime in NZ.

"I've always been aspirational on these issues. I'm very relaxed about it, but that David Beckham, what a thick fuckwit is he eh? Max says he's a cock. We both pretended we were his bff, but we so weren't. I'm taking Max on a military helicopter ride to his next baseball match and the SAS have promised he can sit in on a water boarding interview with some guys they picked up in Afghanistan. Have I made a joke about Planet Labour in this press conference yet"?

The Chinese Embassy said that if Warner Bros could re-write NZ labour laws, then Chinese companies should be able to as well.

"The Communist Party of China demands the same crony capitalism on display between your country and US imperialism. Allow us to buy Stewart Island and we will build you a stadium."

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